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Mr. President. Barack. Sir. Barry? Can I call you, Barry?

As your second term is winding down, you’re probably putting a lot of thought into what comes next. No doubt you’re looking at the post-Presidency lives of some of your predecessors. Sure. You could start a hugely impactful foundation to help make the world a better place or just spend all day making dumb fucking paintings, but if I may, here are some suggestions for jobs I think would suit you for the next phase of your life.

Be a Librarian

Every President gets a library, but so far none of them have really taken charge of the place. You could arrange story time, decorate the bulletin boards, and help patrons navigate the Dewey Decimal System . (Sure, you could use the Library of Congress system, but we both know you’re not going to. F those jerks, amiright?)

Front an Al Green Cover Band

You’ve got the pipes. Your album would release at #1 on the Billboard charts, and you probably wouldn’t win a Grammy , but you’d be the artist that everyone complains should have won the Grammy the morning after the Grammys. Plus Kanye would probably cut in on whoever’s accepting the Grammy and tell everyone you should have won, because I guess that’s his thing now?

Go on Unemployment

While in office you helped greatly improve the lives of the unemployed by extending benefits. You helped a lot of people, and since you’ll be out of a job soon I say it’s time to get yours. Just kick back for a few months.

Be Captain America

Do you read comics? If not, here’s a quick recap: Sam Wilson , AKA Falcon , recently took over for Steve Rogers as Captain America in the comics. I suggest using your influence to get Marvel to work that storyline into their films, and then you oust Anthony Mackie for the roll of Wilson and take over as Captain America.

Wing Commander-in-Chief

I don’t really have all the details worked out on this one yet, but Wing Commander was a pretty cool game, so maybe do something with that? This one wasn’t really as well thought out as the others, but you get the idea.

Host Your Own Late Night Talk Show

You’ve spent a lot of time being the butt of jokes on late night television, and being interviewed by other people, so why not turn the tables? We all know you can read a prompter, deliver a joke, and you look good in a suit, and that’s basically all it takes to host a late night show.

You should also hire Biden be your band leader, because we all know he’ll need a job in 2017 just as badly as you do.


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