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Friends, Americans, Countrymen, lend me your ears. The time for laughing is over. The threat to our American freedoms and values is finally here and I fear it may be too late.

I know my liberal counterparts are the most to blame for this blatant attack on our freedoms. This has been the main issue where I part ways with my liberal comrades. This morning, the year of our Lord two thousand and fifteen, the eve of the two thousandth and sixteenth year, I saw photos out of Hong Kong that have made me lose all hope.

“The McDonalds of the future,” is how they’re labeling it. They’re parading this monstrosity around in our faces, teasing us, laughing at us, letting us know that everything that once brought us joy and happiness is being taken away.

I write to you now as my tears strike the keyboard. I can only imagine this is how watching the fall of the Roman Empire felt. Look for yourself, but I assure you these images are disturbing:

YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! GOD DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

Asparagus? Salad bar? Artisan bread?! Are we supposed to live in a world where the McDouble doesn’t exist? Do we wish to live in a world where the Big Mac is made of non-GMO soy beans? Should we be subjected to this sort of vile disregard for our freedoms and pleasure?

McDonald’s is a place of joy, a place of happiness, where families come together to fill themselves with the glory of food made with love. Yet, as I sit here on the eve of the end of days, I weep. I weep as everything we once knew and cherished has been ripped from us like it meant nothing. THEY ARE PRETENDING IT MEANT NOTHING!

I assure you my friends, that I will fight. WE will fight. To quote the venerable Winston Churchill, “we shall defend our McDonalds, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and if, which I do not for a moment believe, this island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving because they could not access a dollar menu, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God’s good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old fast food chains.”

We understand we are now at war. We understand the times forward are not for the weak of taste. We also understand if McDonald’s falls to the evil empire of overpriced health food, the rest too shall fall. We will say goodbye to the King of Burgers, Taco Bell, and Wendy shall be no more. And as Churchill fought against Hitler, who was a vegan, we too shall fight against the vegans, the vegetarians, the health-conscious. We will fight against all those who tell us that just because they desire to live to 85 years of age, that we must do the same.

So I leave you now my loyal followers. My friends. My freedom fighters. I leave you with a call to arms. We may be tired, we may be lazy, but our bodies are fat to keep us warm in the long winter ahead, and if we all stand up and say, “NO! NO! WE DO NOT WANT ASPARAGUS NEXT TO OUR MCDOUBLES!” IF WE ALL STAND TOGETHER AND DEMAND THE FREEDOM TO GET DIABETES AND HEART DISEASE WE CAN CONTINUE TO ENJOY OUR FAST FOOD, AND OUR GRAND CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN MAY DO THE SAME, SO HELP ME GOD.

Lorde Ryan James Houssein

31, January, 2015

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